End of Year Fear

Happy Christmas Eve, everyone! I’m at my in-laws’ place again, but thankfully it doesn’t feel like I’m dying this time around. I went to the doctor and he pulled out all the stops. I’m on so many allergy medicines that I’m pretty sure I could be a superhero if I wanted. Hopefully you are all enjoying your holidays, too!

So I don’t know if this will make any sense at all, or if it’s late and Christmas/the end of 2014 has sent me into an existential crisis (probable), but here goes nothing.

A big part of the reason I keep this blog is so that I can have a record of all the crazy stuff that happens during my publishing journey. I could give writing advice, but there are plenty of other people more qualified to do that than me. I could talk about my regular life, but my life involves enough Netflix that you’d get bored pretty quickly. What I love reading about are people who are in similar bookish situations as me, or people who have been there but made it out with a book deal eventually.

So part of me hopes I can look back on this and laugh at how high stress I was. And part of me hopes there’s someone else out there feeling the same way right now.

I AM AFRAID AGAIN. Shocking, right?

I sent out my MS to three beta readers, and I’ve gotten back notes from two. I’m not sure when the third ones are coming in, so I decided to get started on another round of revisions, and if the third beta hasn’t been able to get particularly far into the MS, then I can send her the updated draft and hopefully get even better feedback! Wahoo!

But the more I revise this book, the more attached I get to it, and that scares me.

I love these characters, and I love this story. It’s personal in a way that I haven’t really experienced before, and I see myself in a character I wasn’t expecting, which ties me to it further. This story helped to pull me out of a not-so-great time, and I really want it to succeed.

There’s advice all over the place to not get too attached to any one story, that the first novel you query is almost never the one that gets you the agent or the book deal. And up until this point, I’ve done a really great job keeping my expectations low. I’ve always been okay with the idea that this book might not be marketable enough to be THE BOOK. I had no problem shelving a handful of other projects, knowing that they weren’t good enough to query.

I really want this book to be THE BOOK, though. And there’s no way to guarantee it will be. But oh man, do I love it, and oh man, do I have some great ideas for if it does get an agent or a book deal.

Anyone else here now? Or been there, done that, got the agent?

Maybe I just need to tell myself that it’s okay to really love something I wrote, even though it might not get me an agent right now. Probably I need to stop talking down to myself about what MIGHT happen and just get off my butt and do something. I won’t know until I try.

And look at that, my stressing has brought me almost to midnight. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals. Hope your day is merry and bright. 🙂


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